I really really like corn dogs. Hot dogs too. And a chili dog just might be my favor-ite meal. But, hey, whatever, they're all very bad for you. And I do not want to eat any meat that's been factory farmed or that, even more to the point, makes me fat and clogs my aorta. The problem is, I miss my little phallic bundles of toe, lip, and eyeball. I miss them a lot, and here and there (like in the parking lot of Home Depot) I have a little wienie slip, and then I feel the guilt. Yes, the ol' guilt, it kicks in hard.
Just think of my joy at discovering this amazing new (or at least new to me) product: vegetarian corn dogs.
I bought five boxes from good ol' Trader Joe's, and commenced to eating two, sometimes three of these delectables every day at lunch. They're great. Just pull 'em out of the freezer and pop 'em in the microwave for a quick two and thirty. Squirt a happy swirl of mustard and catsup on your paper plate and ZAM! Guilt-free goodness with a wicked-corny taste.
So why, suddenly (at the end of 7 days) can I not zip up my pants? Why does my belly hang over my belt like, oh, I don't know, a huge bunch of grapes? Best not to ask such questions. Best to have another corn dog. It's good for you. It's good for the environment. And it doesn't kill a pig. Or a cow.
The time had come: I had to look myself in the mirror. And when I did, I really knew it. Something was wrong with the corn dog diet. Was it all the corn? Had I turned into an over-grown cornfed hen? I decided to check the box and hello. Guess how much sodium is in one lousy corn dog....
560 mg
Is that a lot? It seems like it. But maybe, since I love them so much, it isn't. We've all heard how diet sodas have a lot of sodium and cause bloat which causes depression and overeating, and etc.. So I checked one of my roommate Marco's diet Pepsi cans. How much sodium in a diet Pepsi? Huh?
35 mg
Oh, hale no.
For those of you who hate math. In two corn dogs there's how much sodium?
1,120 mg
This seems wrong. I checked out the packaging of my Trader Joe's corn dogs. In large white letters, inside a green box to make it POP:
Low Fat
4g Soy
Protein (yes, folks, the word protein gets its own line)
Per Serving
Then, beneath the green box, teeny white letters blend blurrily into pale yellow and red:
*see side panel for
information on sodium
& other nutrients
OK, first of all. Is sodium a "nutrient"? From the way TJ phrases things, it seems like the side panel has information about the nutrient sodium, but there is no such information--in fact there is no information on sodium, other than how much there is. So why not say that?
*See side panel
for one of the highest
ferking sodium levels
anyone has ever
managed to
cram (yes, folks, in my world, the word cram gets its own line)
into anything.
