I Am Leslie Lange

Dialog from the novel never written...not yet at least

"So," she said from her piano bench, hoping to be impressed by him, "do you play an instrument?"

"Why, yes," he replied. "In fact, I am a virtuoso of the sphincter horn." And with that he tooted out, most expertly, the first nine notes from "The Blue Danube Waltz."

The Cat

Right now, as I sit here typing, a very cute cat is walking back and forth across my hands, artfully stepping over my forearms, tightroping along the tiny edge of desk in front of the laptop's keyboard, and running her tail along my upper lip, which is to say up under my nose. The cat's name is Maisie and she's filled with love for me, and I for her...except for one problem: I am allergic.

Weird Search of the Moment

"new anaesthesia lesbian story"

It's true...lesbians are famous for discovering new anaesthesias, as many pursue the pleasure of "going under" on a fairly regular basis.

Perseid Meteor Shower

Last night, the three of us Desperate Hot Springs desert rats drove out to Joshua Tree National Park to observe the Perseid Meteor shower. Pontifica brought her air mattress and her Dalmation Delilah. Brian brought his best boxed Franzia crisp white table wine and some blue plastic cups. And I generously brought my house keys (so we could get back in once we got home). We met up with our friend, Mark, and hung out on camping chairs exclaiming at the sky.

"Whoa!"
"Whoa-ho-ho!"
"Did you see that?"
"Yeah, I saw it."

Later, the 4 of us lay side-by-side on the air mattress, reminiscing about--and singing the theme songs of--our favorite childhood TV shows, playing 20 questions, and trying to stay awake because the meteors were supposed to get even more spectacular as the night went on. By 1:00 a.m. we were all asleep. (Though our spotty dog sat awake nearby, ever the noble sentry.)

The bright comet-like projectiles, streaking across the sky like giant fingernail scratches, were beautiful and awe-inspiring--but the best part was getting to feel so childlike in my forties.

Tonight's light show is supposed to be even more spectacular. Check it out if you can.

Urning a Living

In Elmira, NY, a woman sold her husband's previous wife's ashes at a garage sale for 50 cents. The purchaser planned to use the urn, which was shaped like a turtle, as a cookie jar. According to The L.A. Times, Anita Lewis made a mistake and didn't know the prior wife's ashes were in there. Not sure I believe that, but the real question is: Who puts anybody's ashes inside a ceramic turtle? What, was she slow to respond or something?

Dog Love

OK, actually, I hate being separated from my dogs. I think about how they curl up against me when they say hello, their perky faces, their little yelps of joy, and so on... . If only I could afford to get a place in L.A. big enough to hold all our animals--Pontifica's dalmation, her cat, my two dogs... sigh.

I am jealous of Brian.

Mi Vida Loca

Four days per week, I live with Pontifica in a tiny but sweet, high-in-the-sky, tree-surrounded studio apartment. On weekends, we drive out to Desperate Hot Springs, where my dogs Pink and Pickle reside with their caretaker, a professional handyman named Brian. On Wednesdays, I go out there by myself, and at 5:30 in the morning, the dogs haul me around the desert on an off-road scooter. (When I’m gone, they haul Brian around.) During the day, while the hounds sleep, I do laundry and putter around the yard till the heat makes me dizzy. It’s a bit of a hectic existence, carting myself back and forth from L.A. to the desert and back again—but it’s worth it to have the luxury of waking up each day with Pontifica.

Still, it’s hard putting your dogs in the hands of a stranger. You don’t know if he’s going to beat them or yell at them or neglect them…or worse, do the unspeakable. It took about 3 months for me to be totally comfortable with Brian. Now, he’s like family. I always wanted the sort of close gay male friend other lesbians have, the kind who gives you fashion advice and who you can walk around naked in front of—well, finally, I have one!

Weird Search of the Moment: WARNING! EXPLICIT LANGUAGE

Today's weird search of the moment is....(drum roll)........."lady dog fuckers"

To the one who typed these three little words in, only to be disappointed by a giant picture of Christ...so sorry. Perhaps the photo below is enough to stoke your salacious fantasy. It certainly stokes mine. (Gotta love those Pekingeses! Hot! hot! hot!)

Thanks to you, sir or ma'am, I have the words "Lady Dog Fucker" going through my head repeatedly to the tune of "Lady Cab Driver" by the artist formerly, but now currently, known as Prince.

Jesus and Social Phobia

For those who have recommended Jesus to me as the route to freedom from pain, shame, and fear--wow, thanks! That's really good advice. Personally, I find Jesus to be even more effective when taken in conjunction with Omega 3 fatty acids and Vitamin B12.

It's quite possible Jesus was the original social phobe. Why do you think he spent 40 days and 40 nights in the desert by himself? After that he "preferred" hanging out with those of lower social status. Social phobia is characterized by intense fear of public humiliation or peer disapproval.

Hey, who could blame him? I mean, look what happened once he finally threw a dinner party.

Lesbian Haiku

#1

The cat vomited.
Do you think we should cancel
our vacation?