Two gay guys are
moving into the house right next door to me. I’m jealous of them because,
for my hedge, I could only afford to put in these short little cherry shrubs,
and only every three feet, while they went all-out with six-foot ficus trees
every six inches. Their pool is lined with multicolored tile and the concrete
edge is stained chocolate-brown. My pool is a photo, cut out of a
magazine and pasted on a yellow piece of poster board--plebianly deemed a “dream board.” (Also
on the dream board: A guy smoking a cigar, holding a typewriter—symbolizing a
book deal. A picture of lettuce—symbolizing my need to eat more leafy greens
this year. A cherry-red “womb chair” from Knoll—symbolizing my need for this identical
piece of furniture in my living room. And other things.) They need the ficus
trees, one of them told me, "Because we plan on running around naked a lot." And I
said, “Whatever! You could do it now and it wouldn’t bother me.”
(Yes, I’m kissing their asses in hopes of being invited to
use the chocolate concrete pool. Anyway, who knows if the pool on my dream
board isn’t that very one?! if the universe did not conspire to bring these gay boys to me, ME SPECIFICALLY, because I set my intentions on a pool?)
Their lawn is long, lush, and green. Mine is short, scrubby,
and has yellow patches. Their two majestic date palms—one in each corner of the
yard--were hoisted in by crane. My two minimalist barrel cacti were toddled
in by wheelbarrow. They also have a phallic rock sculpture with a scrotal bench at the base…it’s actually a fountain! I have a couple of big rocks to
sit on—who knows where they came
from!
I’m so glad these guys are moving in next door. Gay neighbors
sooo always make one’s property value
go up. I feel guilty, too, because I want to be responsible for soaring property
values too. Perhaps I can contribute by starting a local homeowner’s
association…I could spearhead a movement to get a certain household to stop
letting their German shepherd run wild in the street, or to get you-know-who to re-seed their lawn every
winter, or to tackle the widespread problem of garbage cans blowing down the street. Yeah! The
garbage can thing would be a great place to start! Who can’t relate to that? I'm thinking: a great big net at the end of all the blocks...we'll call it...we'll call it...the can catcher.
